Confession Time

I have a confession...... I got sidetracked and stopped paying attention to me.  The consequence..... I gained weight.   Not a little bit.  A LOT!   I can no longer hide.  I am holding myself accountable.  

I guess I should provide an update since 6 years has gone by since my last post .......

1.  Brent and I are a consciously-uncoupled which is a fancy way of saying we are better friends and parents than spouses to one another.  

2.  My son Noah is now 13 and entering the 8th grade and my daughter Lilly is 10 and entering the 3rd grade.

3.  I have returned to small town living and have a beautiful overly tattooed man named Jake in my life.

4.  I continue to work for the same school district supporting schools, students, and families with their special needs.

5.  And as I stated earlier I have gained weight. 

Important to note.... Woven around and between numbers 1 and 4 that led to #5 are the not so pretty things that almost broke me.  Toxicity oozed into my wounds and slowly tried to suffocate me.  In future posts I will use my humor ('cuz I'm hysterical) to unpack the reasons behind my weight gain.  For example, I will share my experiences with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and the toll it takes on your mental, emotional, and physical health as well as the health of the people who love you.  I will also share how LOVE makes me food drunk!

Here it goes...... I have gained 50 pounds.  No more head in the sand.  I had NO IDEA I gained this much weight until I walked back into Jenny Craig and stepped on the scale.  I almost shit myself!  

Day 1 done.  

  

Unique Needs

Even the toughest of people can be broken down emotionally and psychologically.  I have seen it happen and have experienced it myself.  It is a funny thing - what we as people tie to our emotional selves - the yin that drives our yang.  We are all tied somehow and by something - it escapes none of us.  Some people are tied to perfection - if they make a mistake then they are the mistake.  Some are connected by their need to control everything - my way or the highway.  Yet others are tied to their perceptions of how others perceive them.  In a way - I have been all three of these - even now I believe I move in and out of them.  I lived for a very long time thinking of the world in very black & white terms wherein there was no grey.  Grey is a wonderful color however. 

While, in the past, I have held the belief that if I make a mistake then I am the mistake... and have had a need to control things around me.... and let what I believe others think of me affect me - my deepest and most bonded emotional and psychological ties are rooted deep within my own self perception and how I see myself physically.  The view of how I see myself physically has a dramatic effect on my emotions which trickle to every part of my life.  Nothing goes unaffected.  My moods are negative, my anxiety heightens, I become withdrawn, my patience shortens for everything and everyone around me.  I am a real joy to say the least. 

They say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back on how I viewed myself when I was grossly overweight I believe I saw myself thinner (way thinner) than I actually was.  My mother would often times point this out but it fell on deaf ears.  I wonder if this, for me, was a coping mechanism as I now understand my mother to have been correct.  (I must note at this point that while many of you might think my mother reads this blog and is proud of me - she does indeed NOT read it, so I can say she was right without having to hear how she told me so.) I say a coping mechanism because I think if I was, at the time, to have truly been able to view my actual physical size for what it was - I don't know how I could have handled that.  I don't know what the consequences would have been, but at the time I do not believe they would have been inspirational. 

I have spent a great amount of time reflecting this summer on how I am tied to my self-image.  The weight I put on over the winter had a dramatic effect on my moods which impacted every part of my life.  Even though it wasn't a great deal of weight it was enough to make my face bloated, my clothes not fit, and my heart to ache as I felt all 340 pounds come crashing back onto my shoulders.  Yes, carrying around that extra weight made me feel 340 pounds again.  It took me back to that time when I felt out of control and not in control of anything.  It made me feel like I had made a mistake and didn't know how to fix it so I was becoming the mistake, and as people told me I was nuts that I had not gained any weight I couldn't help but utter under my breath, "Liar! And you're loving it!"

As women our bodies are all different and not only do we require different nutritional components based on our body types but we also have unique physical, emotional, and psychological needs.  Our physiology dictates it. I swear.  It's fact.  If there are two things I have learned reflecting back on this past winter it's this:

1.  Know your body inside and out - what are your unique needs-  and if you don't know make it a point to figure it out.

2.  Make yourself a priority.   Feed those unique needs.  Not doing so has consequences. 

I Drank the Kool-Aid

Weight loss does not come in a miracle pill nor does it come with Oprah's head on Ellen's body. "Garcinia" advertisements are clogging the web and are the #1 suggested Facebook post that is recommended for me to view. So, I viewed a few and the advertisements are delusional. One ad literally removed Oprah's head and put it on Ellen's body - and no, they did not Photoshop Ellen's hands. With that said - when the Groupon came out for $9.99 I bought my two bottles. Even the smartest of us are susceptible to a downfall now and then.

Needless to say, it was a wasted $9.99.

Why would I feel I need weight loss pills?  Because I fell down – or should I say UP.  Way up.  As we all know losing weight and being healthy is tough business.  Maintaining that weight loss and remaining in a healthy balance is even tougher.  The slightest change of a single variable can throw off our balance.

My balance was thrown off by the tough winter as well as working a job that demanded I sit for hours at a time.  By hours I mean HHHOOOUUURRRSSS.   Sitting so long literally makes your ass grow outward.  It fattens, flattens, and spreads.  Running at night did nothing to combat the negative (or in this case +) effects that those long hours in that chair had.  By the time spring peaked its head through winter I looked like a leftover snowman.  Everything about me was puffy and it took me back to that place where all I felt was 340 pounds….340 pounds just weighing me down. 

After my week long stint with the "Garcinia" (yes, that is all it lasted) I took to the basics and began writing down the foods I was eating.  I kept running and tried to take “micro-breaks” and move between meetings at work.  And the results?  I kept getting rounder.   I became really miserable on top of being round.  Not a good combination.   So now the hives are coming out.  For anyone who has kept up with my blog you will know that my coping mechanism for dealing with stress has been breaking out in hives instead of breaking into the can of chocolate frosting. 

Being in tune with our bodies is a must.  We need to know how they work and how to keep them working properly.  I know that I have the type of body that to maintain my weight and health (physical and emotional) I have to keep moving – all the time – no time for stopping for lengthy periods of time.  Some might be asking “Abby, why didn’t you ask for help at work?”  I did but when it finally arrived it was too late.  The damage was done and the help I really needed wasn’t going to come from support at work. 

Help came in the form of a misdial.  I “accidently” called this man I had met over the winter.  Meeting him in the first place was quite accidental in itself.  I met Team Fit founder Marcus through my realtor at the “Y” on a Saturday morning and within twenty minutes I knew this man was going to change my life forever.  I worked out with him for twenty minutes, took his number, he Facebooked me, we chatted a little, he invited me to a buffet…...  (Shannon Marie, if you are reading this it should remind you of my first stint at Jenny Craig…..wanting to do it but not quite ready to commit).  

So, back to the misdial – As soon as I realized I was calling Marcus I hung the phone up as fast as I could.  I was like “Oh shit, he is so going to see that!”  Sure enough Marcus called me the next day and (Shannon Marie – I swear it was the same exchange we had when I returned to JC) he asked, “You ready?” and replied, “I am.” 

On June 30^th I began the next voyage on this very long journey of getting and remaining healthy.  Marcus is a trainer that believes in caring for the body and the soul.  He sees people very differently from the traditional trainer; or at least those I have worked with in the past and have quietly watched work with others over the years.  I have been working with Marcus and his extraordinary team for just over a month now and the roundness has disappeared but more importantly than the outside, I feel better inside.  I don’t feel all of the 340 pounds weighing down on me anymore.  When I walked into Jenny Craig in 2008 I made a commitment to change.  It is 2014 and that commitment has not wavered.      

For a long time I could not find the words to share with you all.  I had no idea who I was without the weight and needed to figure that out- I had sworn that I would be the same person without it that I was with it – but no, that is not the case.  I am different.  People see me differently and I see myself differently.  I did not know where my journey was going, but now I do and have once again found the words – over 900 of them.  You have all followed me this long on my journey and I invite you to continue.  I promise I won’t disappear nor disappoint. 

Fat Side of Thin

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Clit Freedom

Throughout time women have endlessly tied their happiness to "WHEN."  "I will be happy when I can fit into my favorite jeans again."  "I will be happy when I can shop at J. Crew and actually fit in the clothes."  "I will be happy when I lose ten pounds."  "I will be happy when I am a size six."  "I will be happy when my arms stop jiggling."  "I will be happy when my thighs don't touch."

Too often I hear women complain about their  legs rubbing together.  Admittedly, it sucks.  There is rubbing and chaffing as well as burning.  It can hurt like hell and is not pretty.  But, that is just the inside of the thighs.  No one mentions the other parts that are affected.  It is not that it is an ugly story, but leg rubbers don't know how else they are being affected physically.

Take a hot dog bun and place a jelly-belly jellybean on the inside.  Let it just rest there.  As you can see there is access to the bean.  It has freedom and accessibility to touch.  Now, pick up the hotdog bun and squeeze it shut.  The bean is no longer free to move or breath or be touched.  Okay dirty birds, now when I mention  touch I am actually referring to the touch of fabric.

I run.  I don't confess to love it, but I do enjoy it.  Unfortunately, running without taking certain precautions is now a bit uncomfortable as my thighs no longer touch.  I have found that wearing plain old cotton panties doesn't cut it anymore.  They are too lose and ride up my crotch rubbing the bean in a most uncomfortable manner.  Now, digging into my lady parts is what I would love to do, but I think my running partners might find this a bit unladylike and down right dirty.  So, I have had to revert to the drawers that have the thin elastic bands in the buttock so that as I heat up during my run the panties adhere and don't move - they stay tight.  Unfortunately, my butt gets really hot.

So, there you have it.  When your legs no longer rub together your clit has the freedom it deserves to breath.

motionFREEDOMevolution

Am I fat?

First off, are the people on the Biggest Loser becoming more pathetic or is it just me?  "I can't stop throwing up."  "I can't keep water down." Oh boo-freaking-hoo.  I swear one guy is related to Honey-Boo-Boo.  Okay, enough of the Biggest Loser.  Well one last comment - I love when then men cry like babies week one.

Here are my current confessions: 

1.  I love Sunny from Rochester on the Biggest Loser.  I would love for her to read my blog and know that she is strong and can kick her weight in the ass!  I am proud of her for putting herself out there and being an ambassador for children's obesity.

2.  I am no longer being a whinny bitch (see previous blog entry).

3.  I am eating protein like a champ!  My goal is 65 - 100 grams a day.

4.  I am running my ass off at the gym.  I am improving by at least 5% every week and it takes a lot less energy to run at 185 than 340 or 275 or even 200.

5.  I survived the colonoscopy but I am on lots of meds that make me poo because I am literally full of shit.

6.  Did you know that the more you weigh the more gas your car guzzles?  I am saving money at the pump.

7.  My daughter and I can split a Happy Meal.......not that we do..... okay - I generally steal a nugget or the pickle off the cheeseburger and a couple of fries.  It's a long cry from the old order: two double cheeseburger, three 4piece nuggets, and a large fry.....(I am vomiting).

8.  I am down 90 pounds since April, 155 total and have moved from a woman's size 32 to a misses 12.

9.  Writing this blog is becoming harder and harder for me. 

10.  Weighing under 200 pounds is not normal for me.  Hell, even weighing 200 was not normal.

I was asked the other day how much I weigh and I responded by saying, "285 pounds."  The person looked at me like I had ten heads as well as they should have. I have lived all of my adult life as an obese woman and now I am not.  At least I don't think I am.  What is freaking me out is that people are referring to me as skinny.  I know, I know - who finds being called skinny an issue?  We all know that I can define fat.  I am an expert at it.  I have lived it.  But skinny?  I don't know how to define it.  I have not lived it, but am starting to now so I guess I better start adjusting to it. I know, oh poor me....this is what I have been working for. 

I used to have the goal of being on People Magazine and you know what - It is my goal again.  I am going to campaign for it.  There is no reason why a person who has a gastric bypass cannot be on the cover educating others about the procedure and its benefits.  It is not an easy or quick fix.  It is an intervention.  The hard work is in the mind, body, and spirit of the person.  Over 300,000 Americans will die of obesity this year and I will not be one of those people.

motionFREEDOMevolution



A Letter to You

Dear Loyal Readers,

Where have I been for the last few months?  Good lord, you would think after my last post I was locked up in the bedroom having too much fun.  I wish that were the case.  Truth is, I have a new leadership position at work and have been finishing yet another graduate program.  Needless to say, I have been busy.

With my new title has come new stress.  I am adjusting to a new team of colleagues, learning copious amounts of information, and running around the south side of the city on a daily basis.....have I mentioned the four times a week I need to fill up my tank now?  The stress has taken a toll on my body, my mind, and my spirit.

Consequently, I have lost no weight at all and it is depressing.  No, it's not depressing, it is MADDENING.  It is so maddening that I am in my own head about it all the time.  I thought I was obsessed before the weight loss - well now it is even worse.  I feel like a complete bypass-failure. 

I am not writing this looking for you to "fix" this or encourage me or ask me questions like, "Well are you......" or "Have you tried.....?"  If I get any of that I might freaking explode.  I am discouraged and in the spirit of honesty - I need to share it.  Weight loss, as you know, is not all rainbows and butterflies.  It is also disappointment.  That is where I am at.  I am disappointed that I have stopped progressing while others continue to lose effortlessly and have maintained positivity.  (Seriously, easy to do when you are still losing.)  Do not get me wrong. I am soooo happy for those that are continuing to lose. I am just frustrated for me.

My weight loss stopped cold in October - six months post surgery.  I am supposed to lose consistently for one year.  That is how it works - I do my part and the weight comes off.  Only, it is not coming off while I continue to do my part.  I keep trying to tell myself that this is just a plateau.  A really, really, really long plateau.... but I don't believe it is anymore.  Now, I think it is me destined to always be a big girl.  Only now I am big girl who can only handle half a piece of bread, 2 ounces of turkey, and 4 ounces of soup for lunch. Seriously, when it comes to weight - I cannot freaking win.

Because I don't want this to be a completely depressing letter to you I will share with you that I started my journey in 2008 with a BMI of 55.  My BMI at the time of my surgery in April 2012 was a 46 and now my BMI is a 30.  My goal BMI is a 26 and I need to lose 23 more pounds to get there.  I have joined a Step Up team at work in hopes to renew my enthusiasm and help continue to build these new relationships. 

This is a journey for me.  It has been a long journey with ups and downs, silliness and disappointment, hope and joy, are you kidding me and what the hells?  I have been happy to share it with you all and thank you for taking the roller coaster with me.  I promise, I am not going to off myself - I am too vain.  I just need some retail therapy that I can't afford or maybe a great new pair of boots - that I still can't afford...or maybe a nice vacation - that is not going to happen anytime soon nor can I afford it.  Hmmm...maybe it is true what they say - there is a direct connection between stress and weight loss....but still with half the calories of a two year old - I should still be losing.

Love,
Abby     

The Weeping Orgasm

I seriously cannot believe I am putting it out there like this, but here goes.  The Weeping Orgasm does exist.  I had heard of it in passing like a myth comparable to the Lochness Monster, Bigfoot, and the Chupacabra and had filed it away under "Urban Legends" and let it be.  I never thought in a million years that the weeping orgasm was in fact an actual orgasm.  It should come with a disclaimer "Attention, the weeping orgasm should only be used in cases of dire cathartic need as your partner (man or woman) might experience cardiac arrest from fear of orgasmic disaster."  In all honesty, there is no control over the weeping orgasm - if it's going to happen, it will..  It erupts out of a place of deep isolation.

So, how exactly did I stumble upon the weeping orgasm you ask?  For that, you will need your imaginations.  Blame the lack of details on the small town Italian Catholic up-bringing that continues to set boundaries.  I recently posted a picture of my son and I on on his first day of school.  He looked so cute and I was so proud.  I received more than several responses commenting on how I looked.  I was overwhelmed not only by the responses but by the picture when I actually sat down and looked at it.  I will admit, I stared at it on & off all day.  I could not believe that was me and I now understood the comments.  It got me thinking back to a comment my aunt made.  She said, "There will come a day when people will have no idea you had a battle with weight." 

Who am I if I am not the woman in a battle with her weight?  What do I have to offer in my blog?  Do I have a right to offer my story any longer or does my story eventually end?  Dang - one picture really got me thinking. The story does not end.  In writing about the bathroom habits of overweight women versus their thinner counterparts I received a number of comments both on and off-line.  It made people think - it put the unspeakable out there and that is why my story continues.  I will talk about the less comfortable subjects.

Back to the SEX then.  I seriously think that the negative connotation surrounding gastric bypass would fly into extinction if it was branded as not so much a means to end in the battle of weight but as a means to creating a much better and more fulfilling sex life.  Seriously, with the taboo gone our nation would include healthier and much happier adults - MUCH HAPPIER!!!!  War would come to an end.  Ashby Madison has a commercial on the radio that goes something like, "You got fat and I got trapped."  I was offended by it, but from a strictly sexual standpoint I kind of understand it.  Is it still a unhealthy, mean, and uncalled for commercial.... I tend to think so.   

My point is Skinny Sex is a BILLION times better than fat sex.  Argue if you like, but I have been to the other side and I am a believer.  So, the weeping orgasm.  You know you want to know, it is like slowing down to watch a bad accident or the Elvis impersonator being arrested on the side of the NYS Thruway......again, another story altogether....... Truth be told, being overweight and having sex was difficult.  It seriously limited not only the freedom of movement, but also the ease at which pleasure was felt.  Neither of these is an issue any longer.

So, yes - as I wept I did terrify Brent, however he survived and continues to benefit from my weight loss as do I.  I am 35 years old and reaching my sexual prime and I thank god it was not wasted in my old body.

PS - Brent says to share with you all that HE IS THE MAN!!!!!  wink, wink!

motionFREEDOMevolution 

Feeding the Soul

While dropping my two beautiful but equally devilish children off at their respective places of play this morning I happened to hear a conversation on the radio about love.  Before you roll your eyes and think this is getting all gushy let me remind you that this is me writing......  So, back to the love.... the woman speaking was sharing with the radio audience that she had recently broken up with a man who told her after approximately 45 days that he did in deed love her. 

My initial thought.... SMART woman.  My next thoughts led me down a road of reflection remembering the first times that Brent and I shared with one another the big "I love you."  I would not categorize our first times as life altering or romantic by any means but would instead describe them as comical, which is not surprising as there is little between Brent and I that is not comical.

Yes, I did refer to our first times in the plural and if you allow me a moment of your time to indulge in the story you might get a chuckle.  The first time I told Brent that I loved him I was on the phone in the living room of our old home (we were not living together yet).   As with all of our previous conversations over the months I had every conscious intention to end the conversation the same way with a simple, "Ok, I'll talk to you late Babe, bye."  But, what flew out of my mouth was an abomination, a slip of the tongue, a hiccup in an otherwise calm water....not even paying a moment's attention to the words I was speaking I said, "Ok, I love you."  HUH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I what?!?!?!?!?!  The next words flying out of my mouth were, "I'm so sorry, I take it back.  Never mind.  Just forget that!" Upon which I abruptly hung the phone up as Brent was giggling.

Epic fail.  Needless to say it was not discussed or brought up as I was thoroughly mortified.  After time had passed Brenton looked at me one morning and said, "I told you something last night."  I looked at him quizzically and asked "when" to which he responded, "When you were sleeping."  This should be good I thought so, I bit the line and asked.  With his head down shaking and looking towards the floor he quietly told me that he loved me.  It sounded like someone was squeezing the air out of him. My response, "Oh and you didn't explode?"  Nope.  He did not explode at all.

I called Brent this morning and we got to giggling together once again over the debacles that were our first "I love you's."  There are times when the ordinary blunder can turn into the extraordinary.  Living a healthy lifestyle must go beyond the body and embed itself into the soul.  All people must feed their soul with the warmth and love of people that respect and support them while helping them grow and move forward.  Who are the people in your life that challenge you to continue to do and be your best, who lift you up when you falter, and remind you that you are amazing when you feel less than?  Equally important are the relationships wherein you too challenge, lift and support others.  These relationships not only feed us but allow us to maintain balance in our lives.....and as a bonus we also get great memories that will stay with us a lifetime.



         

The Fountain of Thin

Let me go on record as saying that losing a crap load of weight is and is not mind boggling.  People have lots of questions about howe to lose weight and I honestly believe they expect me to share an epiphany of answers and I have to tell you - the answers are not all that life GIANT.  At least not to me.  Maybe it is better explained this way...

I began a serious lifestyle of yo-yo dieting after my father passed away in 1996.  I used this method of weight loss and gain as a means to push the severity of the pain way down.  I tried again and again to break the cycle.  I put myself through so many fad diets to help me lose the weight. I would see people having so much success and I wanted that success- what is your seceret I would ask people over and over and over again.  I wanted the secret to losing weight and keeping it off.  I wanted the knoweldge that they had to rub off on me. 

No more questioning - how are people really losing the weight?  Well, a number of them have also had gastric byapss.  Onyl, they have kept quiet about it.  When others have asked how they have lost the weight, they have responded with statements such as, "I workout a lot" or "I don't eat sugar anymore."  I respect everyone's choice, but I believe that there are unintentional consequences that are felt by the people who are still seeking the Fountain of Thin.

So, the big question people have now....

How do I feel?  I don't feel much different than I did before with a couple of exceptions... my knees no longer ache after I run and I can walk down the stairs easier in heels - no more booming clomps.  DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH POTTY TALK!  I pee differently.  Women pee in packs, this is a given.  When I used to pee I would just sit down and pee - never thought anything of it.  When my skinny g-friends peed they all turned their knees inward and I had no idea why.  I thought maybe they were just hiding their goods or trying to not fall onto the gross bar bathroom floor.....  Now, I know.  Seriously, I know this is weird but continue to go with it.  I have learned that when thin women pee they have to close their knees or the pee streams up and over the toilet.  I did learn this one morning when I sat to pee and found myself with a mess.

Honestly, to tell the truth, it is more of a question about how others feel.  I am who I am whether it be big or small.

Evidence of this honesty-

1.  The dads at daycare keep staring at me, literally following me with their eyes, which is highly annoying but I believe that the fascination will wear off.  Either that or Lilly will grow up and not require daycare any longer.

2.  I am the recipient of unsolicited assistance at stores.

3.  Doors are being held open for me.

4.  People are just genuinely kinder to me demonstrating more patience and compassion. 


So, how do I really feel?  I am living.  For the first time ever I am living my life.  I am living my life not worried about how I look or how others preceive me.  In fact, I am flying to  Las Vegas  and I am going to bungee sling shot off the side of a casino just because I can.  Nothing says freedom like weightlessness 100s of stories off the ground.

motionFREEDOMevolution

 

Shrinking Feet

I am 8 weeks post surgery and down 46 pounds.  I have to keep telling myself this over and over again.  I don't know if it is because it seems like a lifetime ago since I had surgery or because I still cannot believe I actually went through with it.  My walnut is healing well and I am concluding the recovery diet and moving back onto a standard healthy diet.  This is welcomed news and there is so much to celebrate.

Celebrations!

1.  Seriously, my feet have lost weight.  I ran out of my sneakers playing kickball. I almost face planted in a very animated way infront of both teams.  Thank god I recovered.

2.  I dove for third.  Yes, I dove for third base like a freaking champion!  In midair I thought, "Oh shit, my walnut!"  I laid still for what seemed forever before I realized I did not crack the nut.

3.  My underwear no longer requires a zipcode of its own.  I can now claim to wear panties as my drawers no longer span the state of Texas. 

4.   I look HOT in my new green dress.  This would indicate an increase in self esteem. 

5.  I have given almost all of my clothing away. 

6.  I weigh less than my husband. 

7.  TRUNKLE: (mungerism) physical state wherein the leg also forms the ankle mimicking a tree trunk. THIS TERM CAN BE RETIRED!  I HAVE ANKLES!!!!!

It feels amazing to celebrate. There has really only been one upsetting event to report.  As my four year old gazed into my eyes the other night he shared with me that he was scared because I was changing and no longer looked the same.  He told me that he missed my big belly.  It never enter my consciousness that my weight loss would have an emotional impact on him.  He saw me lose over 100 pounds before, granted he was one.  I explained to him that I was still the same on the inside and showed him pictures of when I weighed over 300 pounds.  It blows my mind though that my son took comfort in my weight. 

Ever since I was diagnosed with the NAR liver disease it has remained my priority to stay physically active and to teach my children healthy and positive choices.  Noah's confession to me has given me yet another opprotunity to teach and show both him and Lilly about the power of being healthy and what is allows one to do. I am living my montra. 

MOTION   FREEDOM   EVOLUTION   

I am Shrinking!

116/70 - that was my blood pressure going into bypass surgery.  The nurse asked me what was wrong.  There was nothing wrong.  I knew I had made the right decision by having this surgery.  Here's the timeline:

500am - drop kids off
600am - arrive at hospital
615am - begin pre-op work
730 - funny meds pumped and we are off (I felt really good) 
735 - mask placed on my face and I am out.....
Sometime a few hours later........
.........begin to wake up and yell at Brent to leave and let me sleep (Ooops)
100 -  arrive at private suite (this is my spring break after all)
300 - take the first of a few walks equaling 3 miles

Over the next couple of days I spend my time swabbing my mouth with a little foam brush.  There is no drinking or eating until Tuesday evening.  So, every so often I swab my mouth with ice water careful not to swallow.  I must admit though that with the scratchy throat the breathing tube left I may have let a tiny bit of water trickle down.  Just a smidgeon. I received my first meal Tuesday evening: 4 ounces of sugar free vanilla pudding and 4 ounces of crystal light.  It took me about 3 hours to finish this first meal.  The next meal arrives at 10 pm and it is 4 ounces of sugar free vanilla yogurt.  I took two bites and let the rest sit there. There is a pattern forming here as I toss the breakfast too after a few bites.  I am not advocating that people do this -in fact I am breaking the nutrition rules by doing so, but I swore to you all an honest reflection of this process.

Any person who has a gastric bypass is not supposed to leave the hospital without having walked a total of one mile.  I, of course, am insane so I walked three.  On one of my walks I am stopped by another young woman who asks me how in the world I am able to walk.  I told her that the most important thing that I could stress coming out of this surgery was to be positive and stay motivated, so I was walking through the pain.  She shut the door on me when I went on a later walk.  I saw her at our first follow up appointment and she looked like death and smelled of smoke.  I feel for her.

Ok, back to the food...... I said I was not able to eat all of the food and I am still experiencing difficulty.  Contrary to my mother's belief, the point of having a gastric bypass is not to never eat again, but to fix the physiology and aid in maintaining a healthy eating lifestyle.  It is imperative to eat a high protein diet in order to heal appropriately and to retrain the stomach.   The other piece of this is to not eat foods that will bloat the stomach so that the incision areas can heal and not tear.  Tearing would be tragic and gross.  So, everyday I am trying to get all of my food in so that I can continue to heal and improve.  It just sucks, but is a finite amount of time when put into perspective.

The big question is..... "How much weight have you lost?"  Well, I am obsessed with this and have had to stop weighing myself.  I was literally driving myself nuts, so as of the last time I checked I have lost 24 pounds.  I had surgery three weeks ago.  I guess I somehow convinced myself that I would drop boat loads of weight every week, so I have been down on myself a bit.  I know in my head that the current loss is great and that losing too much at once can have tragic consequences.  So, I am okay with the loss that I have had.  Although not always easy, this is what I mean by staying positive and motivated.  Even I sometimes need to be reminded to push through the pain or mental blocks to keep moving.

Please ask me questions about this process.  There is so much I can touch on, but want to make it relevant.  



  



     

Ok, so I LIED!

Bypass Update #2

Ok, so I lied.  People having a gastric bypass can have caffeine.  They can have the equivalent of one small cup of coffee.  How many people do you know can have only one small cup of coffee?  It's like limiting an alcohol dependent person to only one shot at their favorite bar.  My thinking - a small amount of caffeine is NO caffeine.   

The second nutritional appointment has been completed.  The second nutritional appointment was fruitful (I love a good healthy food reference).  I weighed in on the cattle scale and found that I lost 6 pounds (YEAH ME!).  I also learned that I cannot gain these 6 pounds back.  This knowledge will have a major impact on me later.  In fact, it was a catastrophic emotional consequence that I will share later. Kathy, my nutritionist, was very impressed that with my busy schedule I was able to maintain focus and believes that I will not require additional nutritional counseling after my next appointment which is in less than a week (can you see where the emotional consequences might be coming from yet?)  Did I mention that if I lose another 19 pounds I won't qualify for surgery anymore?  First time for everything....

Christmas and New Year's Oh My!  I made a commitment to going sugar free on December 26th and I did. Even with the sabotaging gifts I received for Christmas (thanks mom and Stever's turkey joints).  Confession - I remained sugar free until Lilly's baptism where I shared some cake.  It was so good too.  I am sugar free again - as of this morning..... it had nothing to do with the chocolate chip cookie, but I won't swear to it.

Catastrophic Emotional Breakdown ensues.....In preparing for my next nutritional appointment I stepped on the scale - not the cattle kind, the normal kind I hide under my bed.  I was ecstatic to see I lost another 3 pounds.  What was there not to be happy about?  I lost 3 pounds, I am still in the window, and Kathy is going to recommend me for surgery.  I picked up the kids, had dinner, bathed kids, put kids to bed, watched some Netflix, went to sleep.  Here it comes... wait for it... I wake up, get on the scale and I have gained ten pounds.  Within 24 hours I am having a major melt down of epic proportions. I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I lost it emotionally.  I felt at my lowest.  I feel like I wear my sin on the outside of my body and that sin is my weight.  I have never felt so low in my life.  I failed. A life of humiliation and physical pain flashed in front of my eyes and it is not the life I want and will no longer live.  WHO THE HELL GAINS TEN POUNS OVERNIGHT?  This is what my nightmares are made of. I waited two days, but I called Kathy.  Kathy informed me it was water weight and not actual weight gain.  She is worried as it could signify a larger issues.  Really?  Isn't that what I have been saying all along? Nonetheless I will be meeting with Kathy next week where we will come up with a plan to address the issue.  The water weight? I had sushi for dinner with soy sauce.  I am charging the soy sauce with criminal intent.  One would think I drank the bottle of soy....which I did not.  I am no longer going to eat soy sauce as it is the new enemy.

I want this surgery.  I need this surgery.  I will live because of this surgery.  Any fears (or doubts) I may have had about having this surgery are gone.  I am committed to this life change.

Motion FREEDOM Evolution

 

Fatty Patty

Gastric Bypass Update #1:

1.  The chairs are twice the width of normal chairs - When I try to rest my elbows I end up falling over into the chair.  I feel like a fool each and every time.

2.  The scale holds up to 1200 pounds......  Not that it needs to.

3.  Nutritional counseling is a must - The first nutritional appointment is in a group setting. Many in the group are very confused about what constitutes a serving... and NO it is not a 14" double meat sub from Wegmans.

4.  Psych evaluation is required - I actually passed.

5.  Eat - For 3 months all bypass candidates must eat the way they will be required to eat post surgery.  This includes, but is not limited to, maintaining a low fat, sugar free, caffeine free, fried food free diet.  This was really easy to do except the sugar.  I had to set a date for myself and keep it.  I have been sugar free for 7 days.  I did purchase some sugar free Russell Stover's candies today.  I ate two and savored every last taste of goodness........And then I hid the box.  Out of sight is out of mind.

6.  Smoking is out.

7.  Alcohol does not need to be completely abandoned.  Thank god.

Where I am in the process:  I have completed everything except two nutritional appointments.  Appointment #2 is this coming week and then #3 is in February.  I could be looking at a surgical date as early as March or April.  As far as the risks go - they are extremely minimal and following the nutritional requirements decreases them even more.  So, that is the big scary process to having a gastric bypass.  
  
  

Fat to Thin: My Confession

When I began this blog almost a year ago it was important to me to express my values to my friends, my readers.  Honesty has always been at the top of my core values.  It is no secret that before I was pregnant with Lilly I lost 110 pounds - 90 of it in 9 months alone with the help of Shannon Pascale and the Jenny Craig System.  After I delivered Lilly I returned to Jenny and Shannon and the rest you know as I have shared every happy pound lost and every god awful pound regained. 

I posed a question a few months ago about whether I had given up on myself or not.  I bucked up and got back on the weight loss train.  I have lost a little, but not enough to maintain motivation and perseverance.  So, I have taken the last few months to think about what it is I want for myself.  And I came to the following conclusion:

I am who I am and who I am is tired of being judged. Who I am is tired of being looked at as the one with the pretty face - this face is getting old. I am the one who wants to run without a herd of elephants on her ass. I am the one who wants to be struggle free putting on socks.  I am the one who wants to be the Banana Republic and J. Crew chick and not the Lane Bryant lady.  I am the one who wants to run around all day with her kids without getting tired.  I am the one who wants to live.  I am the one who wants to live.  I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS TO LIVE.

I have the power to make a choice and the resilience to live with my choices.  So, in the spirit of honesty I will share with you that I am in the pre-operative phase of getting a gastric bypass.  I was going to share this with you all after I had surgery, but then decided it was really shitty and dishonest of me to withhold this choice from you.  Plus, there are a lot of funny things one encounters while on the road to surgery....and, I can't wait to share all of it with you.
 

A Way of Remembering My Dad 15 Years Later.....

People often ask me how I manage all of my responsibilities.  The answer: motivation.  Recently, I have found that I need to spark a little motivation in my colleagues.  Below is part of an address I will be recording and sending out to staff as a means to garner an understanding for, and a commitment to, community service.  There are parts where the "I" will be transformed into the "We" but this is where I began from - my heart.   

My father, Fred, was a beast of a man.  He was a loud and vivacious Sicilian who pushed people out of their comfort zones because he always saw they could do more and be more.   Those that had lost their way and sought solace in his advice learned quickly that giving up was never an option.  My father had the  gift of insightfulness that when coupled with his wisdom would guide a soul in an infinite number of directions.  Many found it impossible to not be inspired by him as he taught them the power a having a dream.                   

 

My father dedicated his adult life to giving back to his community.  He knew that there was magic in selfless acts.  He led by example and inspired others of all ages, makes, and models to do the same.  He knew that the life you lead when you believe no one is watching is a powerful way of measuring the human spirit.

 

My father also recognized that our characters as people are also defined by what we do when no one else is watching.  My father’s character was one of integrity, strength, and even humiliation.  In all of the work he did for different organizations, and ultimately, his family, he did so because he recognized the need to create a culture that sustains positive human learning and growing.  

 

My vision for Wilson is built from the foundation that my father created for me from which to dream upon.  I vision our Wilson family working collaboratively to continuously examine our school’s culture so that it may be a school that is universally hospitable to student learning and achievement in and outside of the classroom.  I truly believe in making not only our students more knowledge and caring, but also ourselves.  This is why I strive for excellence.

 

My father may be gone, but he and his lessons are not forgotten.  He left a lasting legacy.  He left his dream. 

I'm Stripping.....

Skinny people have a freaking obsession with fat.  What happened to the good 'ol days?  It used to be that when a pseudo celebrity needed an ego boost they would slum it to where the commoners are and have someone yell, "Oh my god it's.......!"   Well, it seems a new trend is forming to boost the egos of these egocentric and demoralizing women.  It seems as though nothing in this world can be as demonizing as being fat.  So, that is what these women are doing - they are putting on fat suits to "expose" the discrimination that overweight and obese people experience in this country. 

BULLSHIT!!!!!

Let's call it for what it is.   The fact that is these women are not parading around in elephant sized asses to do society a favor.  These women, who are deemed thin by society's standards, are putting on these fat suits in an effort to make themselves feel better.   The act of putting on a fat suit and hitting the streets while being followed by cameras seems to be more common practice thanks to shows like Entertainment Tonight.  Their latest stunt's headline read "Melissa Gorga's Crusade Against Fat Discrimination."  And the crusade?  When I figure it out I will let you know.  To my understanding, the woman, whose job it is to be a desperate housewife in Jersey, hit the streets of NYC in her "normal" look.  She then underwent 5 hours of make up to transform into a 400 pound woman in a freaking bright pink jumpsuit.  Who would not look at that?  WHO!  Notice, I purposely did not end that with a question mark.

I have stated it before and I will state it again.  Fat discrimination is the last socially accepted form of discrimination.  It does not take a desperate woman from Jersey donning a fat suit to tell us this.  Strip off the fat suit.  If you want to see the discrimination walk out your front door. It is everywhere.  

Check out my next blog entry - Weight loss companies are a billion dollar a year scheme.   


 

  

3 weeks to form a habit....

I love that people follow my blog - that is the whole point if this, right?!?  It is my desire to help motivate those people who want to make life changes.  So, what happens when the motivator becomes stuck and needs her own motivation?  It was so hard to write the words that shared with you all the struggle I have been facing recently.  I honestly had to share it though.  A funny thing happened afterward - I felt better.  Giving it to a "higher being" seriously made things clearer for me.  I could finally take a breath and reflect. 

I made a decision.  I have not given up on myself.  I am not going to get the gastric bypass.  I do not need it.  I may never get as thin as the people who have had it, but I will never have to live the fear of complications.  So, how do I make it on my own?  Hookers (see earlier post) and Dr. Oz.   

According to Dr. Oz it takes 3 weeks to form a habit.  As a married woman I have tested this theory many times using my husband as a guinea pig.  I hate dishes, so I have B start doing them - in 3 weeks he should have this down according to Dr. Oz.  Nope.  It took 4 years to get B to mow the lawn and keep mowing it - a far cry from the 3 weeks Dr. Oz called for.  My love in Dr. Oz, however, will not let me give up hope.  So, in the last few weeks I have removed the focus from my husband and put it on me.  I guess if a habit is to be formed in 3 weeks, it should be my habit as it probably helps to have buy-in.

Three weeks ago I began using an old tool, a weekly menu.  I have been filling in the menu at the beginning of each week on Sundays.  I add up all of the calories to make sure I am within the daily allotted 1500.  I eat the same number of calories a day.  I eat at approximately the same times everyday and I generally choose the same foods each week.  The structure is necessary as a woman. Is it working?  YES.  And I knew it would. 

I have not issued a challenge in quite a while - so I will throw one out there now.  Stop.  Step Back.  Reflect.  Do you see ways in which you need to take back control?  For the real challenge - Let Up on Yourself.  We all have moments where we cannot handle imperfections or things out of our control.  It is our response to such times that define our state of being.  I got lost for a period of time and needed reminding of this.  I let up and redefined my response.  You can do the same.  I have faith in you.    

Turn'n Tricks

There is a lot we can learn from hoes.  For one - hard work pays.  Another - "exersex" can burn......... calories.  And yet another lesson - stick to the regular tricks and you will be rewarded.  When Noah was an infant and I was diagnosed with my crappy liver I had a decision to make about how I was going to live my life.  I knew then as I know now - put me against a bear and not only will I beat that bear in a pie eating contest, but I will eat the bear when the pie runs out.

Statistics continue to demonstrate that people who lose weight without truly changing their behaviors gain the weight back and many at a surplus.  I gained a percentage of my weight back not because I did not learn new behaviors, but because of pregnancy.  Honestly though, I did gain a tad bit of weight back due to the apple fritter donuts I was addicted to while pregnant.  I knew when I got pregnant that I was not prepared with all of the tools that I needed to keep my weight in check- sheer will power while the alien  inside of me kicked for sugar and carbs - was not one of them.  Knowing I was not fully prepared however did not stop me from putting a lot of pressure on myself to come out of my pregnancy as my old resolved self.

For 16 months I have put an insane amount of pressure on myself to be the pre-preggers me.  Not going to happen.  I am not the same.  I am now a mother of two, my career is in a totally different place, and my responsibilities have changed.  I am not the same, but there are some old tricks that will help.

I asked myself one question this week, "What could I not live without when I lost weight before?"  The answer: my calendar.  I lived and ate by my calendar.  I planned all of my meals for the week right down to the snacks.  Everyday I marked off my foods as I ate them.  So, I recreated a calendar this week and I used it.....and it worked.  I know what I am going to eat and when I am going to eat it.  Research shows that women need consistency in their diets and that even slight deviations can be detrimental.  Women should also strive to eat roughly the same amount of calories everyday with an emphasis on creating balance among the food groups.  The calendar makes this manageable.

If I had realized that giving in and letting everything go....whether to a higher power or not... was the answer then I would have given in 16 months ago.  I feel stronger than I did a few days ago and I know the strength will continue to come back.  How do I know?  Well, I'm an old Ho when it comes to weight loss.  

   

When Good People do Harm

Many might be wondering why I have been so silent for the past few months.  Some of you may know that I had a little melt down a number of months ago out of frustration and lack of results at the gym.  I am not generally one for giving up, but even I can feel the stress of disappointment overwhelmingly at times. 

When I had Lilly 17 months ago something changed in me physically.  I began to experience a number of strange "symptoms" that in isolation may not be alarming, but when looked at as a whole red flags went jumping out in all directions.  I have been seeking help for months now and nobody has had an answer for me.  I am finding that these "specialists" that I have been referred to do not like to work and do not know how to be  responsible to their ethical duty.  Each specialist has said that it could be a number of things, they pick one, test for it, shake my hand and promise to follow through even if it is not what they initially believe it is.  Upon the return visit - a hand shake is exchanged, good new is shared that their first idea was wrong .........and they are going to continue to help should be next.... NOPE! they shake my hand once again and we part ways with no further follow up.

I cannot imagine doing to my scholars what these doctors have done to me (and clearly others).  At the last appointment I cried.  I admit it.  The flood gates opened and I went all girly on this doctor.  Out of all the symptoms he could have chosen from he chooses to think I am crying because of my weight.   I had to sit and explain to this man that what made me cry was not being overweight (although I have done that plenty in life) but was him and his empty promise.  His response was to tell me I needed "help."  I walked out of that doctor's office not only feeling lower than I have felt in a very long time, but with lost hope in myself. 

Some would argue that I am a strong woman who works with her vulnerabilities.  They may further argue that I back down from no one person or from anything thrown in my way - especially a good fight.  I have always been persistent even if I must barrel my way through (my son is the same way).  This fight, however, I am done with it.  I am tried of battling. I am tired period.  I am moving on.

I do not believe that giving up is always necessarily quitting something in the negative sense.  I was raised to never quit anything and this is probably why I tend to not easily let things go.  I can certainly chew the taste out of a bone and then whittle that bone into a little figurine.  Sometimes things, however, do not need to be our primary focus and if giving it up means I have left it in the hands of a higher being then let it be so.  This is not to say that I am choosing to ignore what is happening to me physically, but that for now I will step back and wait to see what comes of it all.  

As to my needing "help."  There is no shame in it and I think everyone needs a good tune up from time to time.  I do find it irresponsible for a doctor to assume any one - not just a woman (and I do question if his response would have been the same if it were a man whom was in his office) - would need "help" because he failed to fulfill his promise as others did before him.

The most damage this man did was that I have now scheduled a consultation for a gastric bypass.  I have thankfully not gained all the weight back that I lost before having Lilly, but have gained 50% of it back from the pregnancy.  I am not going to allow anyone to hold my weight over me or use it to give them power over me any longer.  Will I go through with the surgery?  I don't know at this point, but I have always promised complete honesty and where I never have seen it as an option before I am considering it now. Now, I must be honest with me and ask, "Have I completely given up on myself?"