Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Fat Side of Thin

Is it weird that I keep taking pictures of myself?  Well, I think so.  I think it is very weird.  I would never let anyone take a picture of me before unless it was from the shoulders up.  That was it.  I hated it when people would take candids of me and then post them for the world to see.  I used to make people take the pictures down.  But, they will forever exist thanks to Facebook and other social media sites who refuse to allow anything to disappear from people's consciousness.  

I am secretly awaiting a major technological apocalypse to occur so that all of the horrible pictures posted of me over time can finally die.  But here I am in real time knowing that a technological apocalypse is not in my future (I am psychic as well) taking pictures of myself on a daily basis.  What am I looking for?  I am continuing to have a hard time seeing myself as anything other than 340 pounds.  I am consciously aware that I can no longer compete in a beauty pageant with a baby elephant but still do not see what others see.  In fact, I am not entirely too sure what people see.  So, I take pictures and study them to try and figure it out.  And I am posting said pictures on Facebook of course - where they will never die.  Why am I posting said pictures knowing that they will never die?  I am hoping that seeing myself more will help me see "the me" that others see.

This is a very relevant topic - taking pictures of oneself.  I swear it is.  I have shared over time with my readers that I was raised with the belief that no one would love me unless I was thin.  It was a message told to me over and over and over again.  So, now that I am on the fast side of thin what does this mean?  How do I want to be viewed by others.  As the girl who has never been considered the sexy one and has always wanted to be it comes down to one acronym - MILF.  

I have a girlfriend who has also lost a tremendous amount of weight from gastric bypass.  She is so freaking hot and confident now.  I love it.  I actually get a little jealous when I see her.  She shared a story with me that her son told her that she was now a MILF.  Did you slap him or hug him, I asked.  While my Noah is five and not even close to understanding what a MILF is I think I would keel over if he ever called me a MILF.  However, with that said - I think fireworks would also be going off inside of me.  Don't get me wrong (especially in my line of work) - I am not looking to be found attractive by a bunch of boys - but to be found attractive by men (hell, even women) would be a compliment. 

(When I used to go to the gay clubs with my love Matt I would get so upset because the lesbians didn't even want to hit on me. Seriously!) 

In all honesty, so many people speak to sexiness or attractiveness being more of an attitude than anything else.  I am learning to work that attitude but it never hurts to hear someone tell you that you are looking beautiful or pretty or gorgeous - or any other positive and appealing word.  Words do directly affect the way in which we each define our identity and therefore our attitude.  Growing up I was told that I my ugliness was my fat.  That message led me to believe that not only was I externally ugly but internally ugly as well.  Words have a powerful impact on people and their self-esteem. 

So, I take pictures of myself.  I look in mirrors.  I don't know when this will stop but for now get used to me looking at my reflection.  It's not vanity - I am just trying to get to know myself. 


Sunday, February 3, 2013

Clit Freedom

Throughout time women have endlessly tied their happiness to "WHEN."  "I will be happy when I can fit into my favorite jeans again."  "I will be happy when I can shop at J. Crew and actually fit in the clothes."  "I will be happy when I lose ten pounds."  "I will be happy when I am a size six."  "I will be happy when my arms stop jiggling."  "I will be happy when my thighs don't touch."

Too often I hear women complain about their  legs rubbing together.  Admittedly, it sucks.  There is rubbing and chaffing as well as burning.  It can hurt like hell and is not pretty.  But, that is just the inside of the thighs.  No one mentions the other parts that are affected.  It is not that it is an ugly story, but leg rubbers don't know how else they are being affected physically.

Take a hot dog bun and place a jelly-belly jellybean on the inside.  Let it just rest there.  As you can see there is access to the bean.  It has freedom and accessibility to touch.  Now, pick up the hotdog bun and squeeze it shut.  The bean is no longer free to move or breath or be touched.  Okay dirty birds, now when I mention  touch I am actually referring to the touch of fabric.

I run.  I don't confess to love it, but I do enjoy it.  Unfortunately, running without taking certain precautions is now a bit uncomfortable as my thighs no longer touch.  I have found that wearing plain old cotton panties doesn't cut it anymore.  They are too lose and ride up my crotch rubbing the bean in a most uncomfortable manner.  Now, digging into my lady parts is what I would love to do, but I think my running partners might find this a bit unladylike and down right dirty.  So, I have had to revert to the drawers that have the thin elastic bands in the buttock so that as I heat up during my run the panties adhere and don't move - they stay tight.  Unfortunately, my butt gets really hot.

So, there you have it.  When your legs no longer rub together your clit has the freedom it deserves to breath.


Monday, January 21, 2013

Am I fat?

First off, are the people on the Biggest Loser becoming more pathetic or is it just me?  "I can't stop throwing up."  "I can't keep water down." Oh boo-freaking-hoo.  I swear one guy is related to Honey-Boo-Boo.  Okay, enough of the Biggest Loser.  Well one last comment - I love when then men cry like babies week one.

Here are my current confessions: 

1.  I love Sunny from Rochester on the Biggest Loser.  I would love for her to read my blog and know that she is strong and can kick her weight in the ass!  I am proud of her for putting herself out there and being an ambassador for children's obesity.

2.  I am no longer being a whinny bitch (see previous blog entry).

3.  I am eating protein like a champ!  My goal is 65 - 100 grams a day.

4.  I am running my ass off at the gym.  I am improving by at least 5% every week and it takes a lot less energy to run at 185 than 340 or 275 or even 200.

5.  I survived the colonoscopy but I am on lots of meds that make me poo because I am literally full of shit.

6.  Did you know that the more you weigh the more gas your car guzzles?  I am saving money at the pump.

7.  My daughter and I can split a Happy Meal.......not that we do..... okay - I generally steal a nugget or the pickle off the cheeseburger and a couple of fries.  It's a long cry from the old order: two double cheeseburger, three 4piece nuggets, and a large fry.....(I am vomiting).

8.  I am down 90 pounds since April, 155 total and have moved from a woman's size 32 to a misses 12.

9.  Writing this blog is becoming harder and harder for me. 

10.  Weighing under 200 pounds is not normal for me.  Hell, even weighing 200 was not normal.

I was asked the other day how much I weigh and I responded by saying, "285 pounds."  The person looked at me like I had ten heads as well as they should have. I have lived all of my adult life as an obese woman and now I am not.  At least I don't think I am.  What is freaking me out is that people are referring to me as skinny.  I know, I know - who finds being called skinny an issue?  We all know that I can define fat.  I am an expert at it.  I have lived it.  But skinny?  I don't know how to define it.  I have not lived it, but am starting to now so I guess I better start adjusting to it. I know, oh poor me....this is what I have been working for. 

I used to have the goal of being on People Magazine and you know what - It is my goal again.  I am going to campaign for it.  There is no reason why a person who has a gastric bypass cannot be on the cover educating others about the procedure and its benefits.  It is not an easy or quick fix.  It is an intervention.  The hard work is in the mind, body, and spirit of the person.  Over 300,000 Americans will die of obesity this year and I will not be one of those people.


Friday, January 4, 2013

A Letter to You

Dear Loyal Readers,

Where have I been for the last few months?  Good lord, you would think after my last post I was locked up in the bedroom having too much fun.  I wish that were the case.  Truth is, I have a new leadership position at work and have been finishing yet another graduate program.  Needless to say, I have been busy.

With my new title has come new stress.  I am adjusting to a new team of colleagues, learning copious amounts of information, and running around the south side of the city on a daily basis.....have I mentioned the four times a week I need to fill up my tank now?  The stress has taken a toll on my body, my mind, and my spirit.

Consequently, I have lost no weight at all and it is depressing.  No, it's not depressing, it is MADDENING.  It is so maddening that I am in my own head about it all the time.  I thought I was obsessed before the weight loss - well now it is even worse.  I feel like a complete bypass-failure. 

I am not writing this looking for you to "fix" this or encourage me or ask me questions like, "Well are you......" or "Have you tried.....?"  If I get any of that I might freaking explode.  I am discouraged and in the spirit of honesty - I need to share it.  Weight loss, as you know, is not all rainbows and butterflies.  It is also disappointment.  That is where I am at.  I am disappointed that I have stopped progressing while others continue to lose effortlessly and have maintained positivity.  (Seriously, easy to do when you are still losing.)  Do not get me wrong. I am soooo happy for those that are continuing to lose. I am just frustrated for me.

My weight loss stopped cold in October - six months post surgery.  I am supposed to lose consistently for one year.  That is how it works - I do my part and the weight comes off.  Only, it is not coming off while I continue to do my part.  I keep trying to tell myself that this is just a plateau.  A really, really, really long plateau.... but I don't believe it is anymore.  Now, I think it is me destined to always be a big girl.  Only now I am big girl who can only handle half a piece of bread, 2 ounces of turkey, and 4 ounces of soup for lunch. Seriously, when it comes to weight - I cannot freaking win.

Because I don't want this to be a completely depressing letter to you I will share with you that I started my journey in 2008 with a BMI of 55.  My BMI at the time of my surgery in April 2012 was a 46 and now my BMI is a 30.  My goal BMI is a 26 and I need to lose 23 more pounds to get there.  I have joined a Step Up team at work in hopes to renew my enthusiasm and help continue to build these new relationships. 

This is a journey for me.  It has been a long journey with ups and downs, silliness and disappointment, hope and joy, are you kidding me and what the hells?  I have been happy to share it with you all and thank you for taking the roller coaster with me.  I promise, I am not going to off myself - I am too vain.  I just need some retail therapy that I can't afford or maybe a great new pair of boots - that I still can't afford...or maybe a nice vacation - that is not going to happen anytime soon nor can I afford it.  Hmmm...maybe it is true what they say - there is a direct connection between stress and weight loss....but still with half the calories of a two year old - I should still be losing.