Thursday, September 22, 2011

Turn'n Tricks

There is a lot we can learn from hoes.  For one - hard work pays.  Another - "exersex" can burn......... calories.  And yet another lesson - stick to the regular tricks and you will be rewarded.  When Noah was an infant and I was diagnosed with my crappy liver I had a decision to make about how I was going to live my life.  I knew then as I know now - put me against a bear and not only will I beat that bear in a pie eating contest, but I will eat the bear when the pie runs out.

Statistics continue to demonstrate that people who lose weight without truly changing their behaviors gain the weight back and many at a surplus.  I gained a percentage of my weight back not because I did not learn new behaviors, but because of pregnancy.  Honestly though, I did gain a tad bit of weight back due to the apple fritter donuts I was addicted to while pregnant.  I knew when I got pregnant that I was not prepared with all of the tools that I needed to keep my weight in check- sheer will power while the alien  inside of me kicked for sugar and carbs - was not one of them.  Knowing I was not fully prepared however did not stop me from putting a lot of pressure on myself to come out of my pregnancy as my old resolved self.

For 16 months I have put an insane amount of pressure on myself to be the pre-preggers me.  Not going to happen.  I am not the same.  I am now a mother of two, my career is in a totally different place, and my responsibilities have changed.  I am not the same, but there are some old tricks that will help.

I asked myself one question this week, "What could I not live without when I lost weight before?"  The answer: my calendar.  I lived and ate by my calendar.  I planned all of my meals for the week right down to the snacks.  Everyday I marked off my foods as I ate them.  So, I recreated a calendar this week and I used it.....and it worked.  I know what I am going to eat and when I am going to eat it.  Research shows that women need consistency in their diets and that even slight deviations can be detrimental.  Women should also strive to eat roughly the same amount of calories everyday with an emphasis on creating balance among the food groups.  The calendar makes this manageable.

If I had realized that giving in and letting everything go....whether to a higher power or not... was the answer then I would have given in 16 months ago.  I feel stronger than I did a few days ago and I know the strength will continue to come back.  How do I know?  Well, I'm an old Ho when it comes to weight loss.  


Monday, September 19, 2011

When Good People do Harm

Many might be wondering why I have been so silent for the past few months.  Some of you may know that I had a little melt down a number of months ago out of frustration and lack of results at the gym.  I am not generally one for giving up, but even I can feel the stress of disappointment overwhelmingly at times. 

When I had Lilly 17 months ago something changed in me physically.  I began to experience a number of strange "symptoms" that in isolation may not be alarming, but when looked at as a whole red flags went jumping out in all directions.  I have been seeking help for months now and nobody has had an answer for me.  I am finding that these "specialists" that I have been referred to do not like to work and do not know how to be  responsible to their ethical duty.  Each specialist has said that it could be a number of things, they pick one, test for it, shake my hand and promise to follow through even if it is not what they initially believe it is.  Upon the return visit - a hand shake is exchanged, good new is shared that their first idea was wrong .........and they are going to continue to help should be next.... NOPE! they shake my hand once again and we part ways with no further follow up.

I cannot imagine doing to my scholars what these doctors have done to me (and clearly others).  At the last appointment I cried.  I admit it.  The flood gates opened and I went all girly on this doctor.  Out of all the symptoms he could have chosen from he chooses to think I am crying because of my weight.   I had to sit and explain to this man that what made me cry was not being overweight (although I have done that plenty in life) but was him and his empty promise.  His response was to tell me I needed "help."  I walked out of that doctor's office not only feeling lower than I have felt in a very long time, but with lost hope in myself. 

Some would argue that I am a strong woman who works with her vulnerabilities.  They may further argue that I back down from no one person or from anything thrown in my way - especially a good fight.  I have always been persistent even if I must barrel my way through (my son is the same way).  This fight, however, I am done with it.  I am tried of battling. I am tired period.  I am moving on.

I do not believe that giving up is always necessarily quitting something in the negative sense.  I was raised to never quit anything and this is probably why I tend to not easily let things go.  I can certainly chew the taste out of a bone and then whittle that bone into a little figurine.  Sometimes things, however, do not need to be our primary focus and if giving it up means I have left it in the hands of a higher being then let it be so.  This is not to say that I am choosing to ignore what is happening to me physically, but that for now I will step back and wait to see what comes of it all.  

As to my needing "help."  There is no shame in it and I think everyone needs a good tune up from time to time.  I do find it irresponsible for a doctor to assume any one - not just a woman (and I do question if his response would have been the same if it were a man whom was in his office) - would need "help" because he failed to fulfill his promise as others did before him.

The most damage this man did was that I have now scheduled a consultation for a gastric bypass.  I have thankfully not gained all the weight back that I lost before having Lilly, but have gained 50% of it back from the pregnancy.  I am not going to allow anyone to hold my weight over me or use it to give them power over me any longer.  Will I go through with the surgery?  I don't know at this point, but I have always promised complete honesty and where I never have seen it as an option before I am considering it now. Now, I must be honest with me and ask, "Have I completely given up on myself?"