Monday, January 21, 2013

Am I fat?

First off, are the people on the Biggest Loser becoming more pathetic or is it just me?  "I can't stop throwing up."  "I can't keep water down." Oh boo-freaking-hoo.  I swear one guy is related to Honey-Boo-Boo.  Okay, enough of the Biggest Loser.  Well one last comment - I love when then men cry like babies week one.

Here are my current confessions: 

1.  I love Sunny from Rochester on the Biggest Loser.  I would love for her to read my blog and know that she is strong and can kick her weight in the ass!  I am proud of her for putting herself out there and being an ambassador for children's obesity.

2.  I am no longer being a whinny bitch (see previous blog entry).

3.  I am eating protein like a champ!  My goal is 65 - 100 grams a day.

4.  I am running my ass off at the gym.  I am improving by at least 5% every week and it takes a lot less energy to run at 185 than 340 or 275 or even 200.

5.  I survived the colonoscopy but I am on lots of meds that make me poo because I am literally full of shit.

6.  Did you know that the more you weigh the more gas your car guzzles?  I am saving money at the pump.

7.  My daughter and I can split a Happy Meal.......not that we do..... okay - I generally steal a nugget or the pickle off the cheeseburger and a couple of fries.  It's a long cry from the old order: two double cheeseburger, three 4piece nuggets, and a large fry.....(I am vomiting).

8.  I am down 90 pounds since April, 155 total and have moved from a woman's size 32 to a misses 12.

9.  Writing this blog is becoming harder and harder for me. 

10.  Weighing under 200 pounds is not normal for me.  Hell, even weighing 200 was not normal.

I was asked the other day how much I weigh and I responded by saying, "285 pounds."  The person looked at me like I had ten heads as well as they should have. I have lived all of my adult life as an obese woman and now I am not.  At least I don't think I am.  What is freaking me out is that people are referring to me as skinny.  I know, I know - who finds being called skinny an issue?  We all know that I can define fat.  I am an expert at it.  I have lived it.  But skinny?  I don't know how to define it.  I have not lived it, but am starting to now so I guess I better start adjusting to it. I know, oh poor me....this is what I have been working for. 

I used to have the goal of being on People Magazine and you know what - It is my goal again.  I am going to campaign for it.  There is no reason why a person who has a gastric bypass cannot be on the cover educating others about the procedure and its benefits.  It is not an easy or quick fix.  It is an intervention.  The hard work is in the mind, body, and spirit of the person.  Over 300,000 Americans will die of obesity this year and I will not be one of those people.


Friday, January 4, 2013

A Letter to You

Dear Loyal Readers,

Where have I been for the last few months?  Good lord, you would think after my last post I was locked up in the bedroom having too much fun.  I wish that were the case.  Truth is, I have a new leadership position at work and have been finishing yet another graduate program.  Needless to say, I have been busy.

With my new title has come new stress.  I am adjusting to a new team of colleagues, learning copious amounts of information, and running around the south side of the city on a daily basis.....have I mentioned the four times a week I need to fill up my tank now?  The stress has taken a toll on my body, my mind, and my spirit.

Consequently, I have lost no weight at all and it is depressing.  No, it's not depressing, it is MADDENING.  It is so maddening that I am in my own head about it all the time.  I thought I was obsessed before the weight loss - well now it is even worse.  I feel like a complete bypass-failure. 

I am not writing this looking for you to "fix" this or encourage me or ask me questions like, "Well are you......" or "Have you tried.....?"  If I get any of that I might freaking explode.  I am discouraged and in the spirit of honesty - I need to share it.  Weight loss, as you know, is not all rainbows and butterflies.  It is also disappointment.  That is where I am at.  I am disappointed that I have stopped progressing while others continue to lose effortlessly and have maintained positivity.  (Seriously, easy to do when you are still losing.)  Do not get me wrong. I am soooo happy for those that are continuing to lose. I am just frustrated for me.

My weight loss stopped cold in October - six months post surgery.  I am supposed to lose consistently for one year.  That is how it works - I do my part and the weight comes off.  Only, it is not coming off while I continue to do my part.  I keep trying to tell myself that this is just a plateau.  A really, really, really long plateau.... but I don't believe it is anymore.  Now, I think it is me destined to always be a big girl.  Only now I am big girl who can only handle half a piece of bread, 2 ounces of turkey, and 4 ounces of soup for lunch. Seriously, when it comes to weight - I cannot freaking win.

Because I don't want this to be a completely depressing letter to you I will share with you that I started my journey in 2008 with a BMI of 55.  My BMI at the time of my surgery in April 2012 was a 46 and now my BMI is a 30.  My goal BMI is a 26 and I need to lose 23 more pounds to get there.  I have joined a Step Up team at work in hopes to renew my enthusiasm and help continue to build these new relationships. 

This is a journey for me.  It has been a long journey with ups and downs, silliness and disappointment, hope and joy, are you kidding me and what the hells?  I have been happy to share it with you all and thank you for taking the roller coaster with me.  I promise, I am not going to off myself - I am too vain.  I just need some retail therapy that I can't afford or maybe a great new pair of boots - that I still can't afford...or maybe a nice vacation - that is not going to happen anytime soon nor can I afford it.  Hmmm...maybe it is true what they say - there is a direct connection between stress and weight loss....but still with half the calories of a two year old - I should still be losing.