A Letter to You

Dear Loyal Readers,

Where have I been for the last few months?  Good lord, you would think after my last post I was locked up in the bedroom having too much fun.  I wish that were the case.  Truth is, I have a new leadership position at work and have been finishing yet another graduate program.  Needless to say, I have been busy.

With my new title has come new stress.  I am adjusting to a new team of colleagues, learning copious amounts of information, and running around the south side of the city on a daily basis.....have I mentioned the four times a week I need to fill up my tank now?  The stress has taken a toll on my body, my mind, and my spirit.

Consequently, I have lost no weight at all and it is depressing.  No, it's not depressing, it is MADDENING.  It is so maddening that I am in my own head about it all the time.  I thought I was obsessed before the weight loss - well now it is even worse.  I feel like a complete bypass-failure. 

I am not writing this looking for you to "fix" this or encourage me or ask me questions like, "Well are you......" or "Have you tried.....?"  If I get any of that I might freaking explode.  I am discouraged and in the spirit of honesty - I need to share it.  Weight loss, as you know, is not all rainbows and butterflies.  It is also disappointment.  That is where I am at.  I am disappointed that I have stopped progressing while others continue to lose effortlessly and have maintained positivity.  (Seriously, easy to do when you are still losing.)  Do not get me wrong. I am soooo happy for those that are continuing to lose. I am just frustrated for me.

My weight loss stopped cold in October - six months post surgery.  I am supposed to lose consistently for one year.  That is how it works - I do my part and the weight comes off.  Only, it is not coming off while I continue to do my part.  I keep trying to tell myself that this is just a plateau.  A really, really, really long plateau.... but I don't believe it is anymore.  Now, I think it is me destined to always be a big girl.  Only now I am big girl who can only handle half a piece of bread, 2 ounces of turkey, and 4 ounces of soup for lunch. Seriously, when it comes to weight - I cannot freaking win.

Because I don't want this to be a completely depressing letter to you I will share with you that I started my journey in 2008 with a BMI of 55.  My BMI at the time of my surgery in April 2012 was a 46 and now my BMI is a 30.  My goal BMI is a 26 and I need to lose 23 more pounds to get there.  I have joined a Step Up team at work in hopes to renew my enthusiasm and help continue to build these new relationships. 

This is a journey for me.  It has been a long journey with ups and downs, silliness and disappointment, hope and joy, are you kidding me and what the hells?  I have been happy to share it with you all and thank you for taking the roller coaster with me.  I promise, I am not going to off myself - I am too vain.  I just need some retail therapy that I can't afford or maybe a great new pair of boots - that I still can't afford...or maybe a nice vacation - that is not going to happen anytime soon nor can I afford it.  Hmmm...maybe it is true what they say - there is a direct connection between stress and weight loss....but still with half the calories of a two year old - I should still be losing.

Love,
Abby