Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Fat Side of Thin

Is it weird that I keep taking pictures of myself?  Well, I think so.  I think it is very weird.  I would never let anyone take a picture of me before unless it was from the shoulders up.  That was it.  I hated it when people would take candids of me and then post them for the world to see.  I used to make people take the pictures down.  But, they will forever exist thanks to Facebook and other social media sites who refuse to allow anything to disappear from people's consciousness.  

I am secretly awaiting a major technological apocalypse to occur so that all of the horrible pictures posted of me over time can finally die.  But here I am in real time knowing that a technological apocalypse is not in my future (I am psychic as well) taking pictures of myself on a daily basis.  What am I looking for?  I am continuing to have a hard time seeing myself as anything other than 340 pounds.  I am consciously aware that I can no longer compete in a beauty pageant with a baby elephant but still do not see what others see.  In fact, I am not entirely too sure what people see.  So, I take pictures and study them to try and figure it out.  And I am posting said pictures on Facebook of course - where they will never die.  Why am I posting said pictures knowing that they will never die?  I am hoping that seeing myself more will help me see "the me" that others see.

This is a very relevant topic - taking pictures of oneself.  I swear it is.  I have shared over time with my readers that I was raised with the belief that no one would love me unless I was thin.  It was a message told to me over and over and over again.  So, now that I am on the fast side of thin what does this mean?  How do I want to be viewed by others.  As the girl who has never been considered the sexy one and has always wanted to be it comes down to one acronym - MILF.  

I have a girlfriend who has also lost a tremendous amount of weight from gastric bypass.  She is so freaking hot and confident now.  I love it.  I actually get a little jealous when I see her.  She shared a story with me that her son told her that she was now a MILF.  Did you slap him or hug him, I asked.  While my Noah is five and not even close to understanding what a MILF is I think I would keel over if he ever called me a MILF.  However, with that said - I think fireworks would also be going off inside of me.  Don't get me wrong (especially in my line of work) - I am not looking to be found attractive by a bunch of boys - but to be found attractive by men (hell, even women) would be a compliment. 

(When I used to go to the gay clubs with my love Matt I would get so upset because the lesbians didn't even want to hit on me. Seriously!) 

In all honesty, so many people speak to sexiness or attractiveness being more of an attitude than anything else.  I am learning to work that attitude but it never hurts to hear someone tell you that you are looking beautiful or pretty or gorgeous - or any other positive and appealing word.  Words do directly affect the way in which we each define our identity and therefore our attitude.  Growing up I was told that I my ugliness was my fat.  That message led me to believe that not only was I externally ugly but internally ugly as well.  Words have a powerful impact on people and their self-esteem. 

So, I take pictures of myself.  I look in mirrors.  I don't know when this will stop but for now get used to me looking at my reflection.  It's not vanity - I am just trying to get to know myself.