Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Weeping Orgasm

I seriously cannot believe I am putting it out there like this, but here goes.  The Weeping Orgasm does exist.  I had heard of it in passing like a myth comparable to the Lochness Monster, Bigfoot, and the Chupacabra and had filed it away under "Urban Legends" and let it be.  I never thought in a million years that the weeping orgasm was in fact an actual orgasm.  It should come with a disclaimer "Attention, the weeping orgasm should only be used in cases of dire cathartic need as your partner (man or woman) might experience cardiac arrest from fear of orgasmic disaster."  In all honesty, there is no control over the weeping orgasm - if it's going to happen, it will..  It erupts out of a place of deep isolation.

So, how exactly did I stumble upon the weeping orgasm you ask?  For that, you will need your imaginations.  Blame the lack of details on the small town Italian Catholic up-bringing that continues to set boundaries.  I recently posted a picture of my son and I on on his first day of school.  He looked so cute and I was so proud.  I received more than several responses commenting on how I looked.  I was overwhelmed not only by the responses but by the picture when I actually sat down and looked at it.  I will admit, I stared at it on & off all day.  I could not believe that was me and I now understood the comments.  It got me thinking back to a comment my aunt made.  She said, "There will come a day when people will have no idea you had a battle with weight." 

Who am I if I am not the woman in a battle with her weight?  What do I have to offer in my blog?  Do I have a right to offer my story any longer or does my story eventually end?  Dang - one picture really got me thinking. The story does not end.  In writing about the bathroom habits of overweight women versus their thinner counterparts I received a number of comments both on and off-line.  It made people think - it put the unspeakable out there and that is why my story continues.  I will talk about the less comfortable subjects.

Back to the SEX then.  I seriously think that the negative connotation surrounding gastric bypass would fly into extinction if it was branded as not so much a means to end in the battle of weight but as a means to creating a much better and more fulfilling sex life.  Seriously, with the taboo gone our nation would include healthier and much happier adults - MUCH HAPPIER!!!!  War would come to an end.  Ashby Madison has a commercial on the radio that goes something like, "You got fat and I got trapped."  I was offended by it, but from a strictly sexual standpoint I kind of understand it.  Is it still a unhealthy, mean, and uncalled for commercial.... I tend to think so.   

My point is Skinny Sex is a BILLION times better than fat sex.  Argue if you like, but I have been to the other side and I am a believer.  So, the weeping orgasm.  You know you want to know, it is like slowing down to watch a bad accident or the Elvis impersonator being arrested on the side of the NYS Thruway......again, another story altogether....... Truth be told, being overweight and having sex was difficult.  It seriously limited not only the freedom of movement, but also the ease at which pleasure was felt.  Neither of these is an issue any longer.

So, yes - as I wept I did terrify Brent, however he survived and continues to benefit from my weight loss as do I.  I am 35 years old and reaching my sexual prime and I thank god it was not wasted in my old body.

PS - Brent says to share with you all that HE IS THE MAN!!!!!  wink, wink!


Friday, August 17, 2012

Feeding the Soul

While dropping my two beautiful but equally devilish children off at their respective places of play this morning I happened to hear a conversation on the radio about love.  Before you roll your eyes and think this is getting all gushy let me remind you that this is me writing......  So, back to the love.... the woman speaking was sharing with the radio audience that she had recently broken up with a man who told her after approximately 45 days that he did in deed love her. 

My initial thought.... SMART woman.  My next thoughts led me down a road of reflection remembering the first times that Brent and I shared with one another the big "I love you."  I would not categorize our first times as life altering or romantic by any means but would instead describe them as comical, which is not surprising as there is little between Brent and I that is not comical.

Yes, I did refer to our first times in the plural and if you allow me a moment of your time to indulge in the story you might get a chuckle.  The first time I told Brent that I loved him I was on the phone in the living room of our old home (we were not living together yet).   As with all of our previous conversations over the months I had every conscious intention to end the conversation the same way with a simple, "Ok, I'll talk to you late Babe, bye."  But, what flew out of my mouth was an abomination, a slip of the tongue, a hiccup in an otherwise calm water....not even paying a moment's attention to the words I was speaking I said, "Ok, I love you."  HUH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I what?!?!?!?!?!  The next words flying out of my mouth were, "I'm so sorry, I take it back.  Never mind.  Just forget that!" Upon which I abruptly hung the phone up as Brent was giggling.

Epic fail.  Needless to say it was not discussed or brought up as I was thoroughly mortified.  After time had passed Brenton looked at me one morning and said, "I told you something last night."  I looked at him quizzically and asked "when" to which he responded, "When you were sleeping."  This should be good I thought so, I bit the line and asked.  With his head down shaking and looking towards the floor he quietly told me that he loved me.  It sounded like someone was squeezing the air out of him. My response, "Oh and you didn't explode?"  Nope.  He did not explode at all.

I called Brent this morning and we got to giggling together once again over the debacles that were our first "I love you's."  There are times when the ordinary blunder can turn into the extraordinary.  Living a healthy lifestyle must go beyond the body and embed itself into the soul.  All people must feed their soul with the warmth and love of people that respect and support them while helping them grow and move forward.  Who are the people in your life that challenge you to continue to do and be your best, who lift you up when you falter, and remind you that you are amazing when you feel less than?  Equally important are the relationships wherein you too challenge, lift and support others.  These relationships not only feed us but allow us to maintain balance in our lives.....and as a bonus we also get great memories that will stay with us a lifetime.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Fountain of Thin

Let me go on record as saying that losing a crap load of weight is and is not mind boggling.  People have lots of questions about howe to lose weight and I honestly believe they expect me to share an epiphany of answers and I have to tell you - the answers are not all that life GIANT.  At least not to me.  Maybe it is better explained this way...

I began a serious lifestyle of yo-yo dieting after my father passed away in 1996.  I used this method of weight loss and gain as a means to push the severity of the pain way down.  I tried again and again to break the cycle.  I put myself through so many fad diets to help me lose the weight. I would see people having so much success and I wanted that success- what is your seceret I would ask people over and over and over again.  I wanted the secret to losing weight and keeping it off.  I wanted the knoweldge that they had to rub off on me. 

No more questioning - how are people really losing the weight?  Well, a number of them have also had gastric byapss.  Onyl, they have kept quiet about it.  When others have asked how they have lost the weight, they have responded with statements such as, "I workout a lot" or "I don't eat sugar anymore."  I respect everyone's choice, but I believe that there are unintentional consequences that are felt by the people who are still seeking the Fountain of Thin.

So, the big question people have now....

How do I feel?  I don't feel much different than I did before with a couple of exceptions... my knees no longer ache after I run and I can walk down the stairs easier in heels - no more booming clomps.  DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH POTTY TALK!  I pee differently.  Women pee in packs, this is a given.  When I used to pee I would just sit down and pee - never thought anything of it.  When my skinny g-friends peed they all turned their knees inward and I had no idea why.  I thought maybe they were just hiding their goods or trying to not fall onto the gross bar bathroom floor.....  Now, I know.  Seriously, I know this is weird but continue to go with it.  I have learned that when thin women pee they have to close their knees or the pee streams up and over the toilet.  I did learn this one morning when I sat to pee and found myself with a mess.

Honestly, to tell the truth, it is more of a question about how others feel.  I am who I am whether it be big or small.

Evidence of this honesty-

1.  The dads at daycare keep staring at me, literally following me with their eyes, which is highly annoying but I believe that the fascination will wear off.  Either that or Lilly will grow up and not require daycare any longer.

2.  I am the recipient of unsolicited assistance at stores.

3.  Doors are being held open for me.

4.  People are just genuinely kinder to me demonstrating more patience and compassion. 

So, how do I really feel?  I am living.  For the first time ever I am living my life.  I am living my life not worried about how I look or how others preceive me.  In fact, I am flying to  Las Vegas  and I am going to bungee sling shot off the side of a casino just because I can.  Nothing says freedom like weightlessness 100s of stories off the ground.



Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Shrinking Feet

I am 8 weeks post surgery and down 46 pounds.  I have to keep telling myself this over and over again.  I don't know if it is because it seems like a lifetime ago since I had surgery or because I still cannot believe I actually went through with it.  My walnut is healing well and I am concluding the recovery diet and moving back onto a standard healthy diet.  This is welcomed news and there is so much to celebrate.


1.  Seriously, my feet have lost weight.  I ran out of my sneakers playing kickball. I almost face planted in a very animated way infront of both teams.  Thank god I recovered.

2.  I dove for third.  Yes, I dove for third base like a freaking champion!  In midair I thought, "Oh shit, my walnut!"  I laid still for what seemed forever before I realized I did not crack the nut.

3.  My underwear no longer requires a zipcode of its own.  I can now claim to wear panties as my drawers no longer span the state of Texas. 

4.   I look HOT in my new green dress.  This would indicate an increase in self esteem

5.  I have given almost all of my clothing away. 

6.  I weigh less than my husband. 

7.  TRUNKLE: (mungerism) physical state wherein the leg also forms the ankle mimicking a tree trunk. THIS TERM CAN BE RETIRED!  I HAVE ANKLES!!!!!

It feels amazing to celebrate. There has really only been one upsetting event to report.  As my four year old gazed into my eyes the other night he shared with me that he was scared because I was changing and no longer looked the same.  He told me that he missed my big belly.  It never enter my consciousness that my weight loss would have an emotional impact on him.  He saw me lose over 100 pounds before, granted he was one.  I explained to him that I was still the same on the inside and showed him pictures of when I weighed over 300 pounds.  It blows my mind though that my son took comfort in my weight. 

Ever since I was diagnosed with the NAR liver disease it has remained my priority to stay physically active and to teach my children healthy and positive choices.  Noah's confession to me has given me yet another opprotunity to teach and show both him and Lilly about the power of being healthy and what is allows one to do. I am living my montra. 


Monday, April 23, 2012

I am Shrinking!

116/70 - that was my blood pressure going into bypass surgery.  The nurse asked me what was wrong.  There was nothing wrong.  I knew I had made the right decision by having this surgery.  Here's the timeline:

500am - drop kids off
600am - arrive at hospital
615am - begin pre-op work
730 - funny meds pumped and we are off (I felt really good) 
735 - mask placed on my face and I am out.....
Sometime a few hours later........
.........begin to wake up and yell at Brent to leave and let me sleep (Ooops)
100 -  arrive at private suite (this is my spring break after all)
300 - take the first of a few walks equaling 3 miles

Over the next couple of days I spend my time swabbing my mouth with a little foam brush.  There is no drinking or eating until Tuesday evening.  So, every so often I swab my mouth with ice water careful not to swallow.  I must admit though that with the scratchy throat the breathing tube left I may have let a tiny bit of water trickle down.  Just a smidgeon. I received my first meal Tuesday evening: 4 ounces of sugar free vanilla pudding and 4 ounces of crystal light.  It took me about 3 hours to finish this first meal.  The next meal arrives at 10 pm and it is 4 ounces of sugar free vanilla yogurt.  I took two bites and let the rest sit there. There is a pattern forming here as I toss the breakfast too after a few bites.  I am not advocating that people do this -in fact I am breaking the nutrition rules by doing so, but I swore to you all an honest reflection of this process.

Any person who has a gastric bypass is not supposed to leave the hospital without having walked a total of one mile.  I, of course, am insane so I walked three.  On one of my walks I am stopped by another young woman who asks me how in the world I am able to walk.  I told her that the most important thing that I could stress coming out of this surgery was to be positive and stay motivated, so I was walking through the pain.  She shut the door on me when I went on a later walk.  I saw her at our first follow up appointment and she looked like death and smelled of smoke.  I feel for her.

Ok, back to the food...... I said I was not able to eat all of the food and I am still experiencing difficulty.  Contrary to my mother's belief, the point of having a gastric bypass is not to never eat again, but to fix the physiology and aid in maintaining a healthy eating lifestyle.  It is imperative to eat a high protein diet in order to heal appropriately and to retrain the stomach.   The other piece of this is to not eat foods that will bloat the stomach so that the incision areas can heal and not tear.  Tearing would be tragic and gross.  So, everyday I am trying to get all of my food in so that I can continue to heal and improve.  It just sucks, but is a finite amount of time when put into perspective.

The big question is..... "How much weight have you lost?"  Well, I am obsessed with this and have had to stop weighing myself.  I was literally driving myself nuts, so as of the last time I checked I have lost 24 pounds.  I had surgery three weeks ago.  I guess I somehow convinced myself that I would drop boat loads of weight every week, so I have been down on myself a bit.  I know in my head that the current loss is great and that losing too much at once can have tragic consequences.  So, I am okay with the loss that I have had.  Although not always easy, this is what I mean by staying positive and motivated.  Even I sometimes need to be reminded to push through the pain or mental blocks to keep moving.

Please ask me questions about this process.  There is so much I can touch on, but want to make it relevant.  



Thursday, January 26, 2012

Ok, so I LIED!

Bypass Update #2

Ok, so I lied.  People having a gastric bypass can have caffeine.  They can have the equivalent of one small cup of coffee.  How many people do you know can have only one small cup of coffee?  It's like limiting an alcohol dependent person to only one shot at their favorite bar.  My thinking - a small amount of caffeine is NO caffeine.   

The second nutritional appointment has been completed.  The second nutritional appointment was fruitful (I love a good healthy food reference).  I weighed in on the cattle scale and found that I lost 6 pounds (YEAH ME!).  I also learned that I cannot gain these 6 pounds back.  This knowledge will have a major impact on me later.  In fact, it was a catastrophic emotional consequence that I will share later. Kathy, my nutritionist, was very impressed that with my busy schedule I was able to maintain focus and believes that I will not require additional nutritional counseling after my next appointment which is in less than a week (can you see where the emotional consequences might be coming from yet?)  Did I mention that if I lose another 19 pounds I won't qualify for surgery anymore?  First time for everything....

Christmas and New Year's Oh My!  I made a commitment to going sugar free on December 26th and I did. Even with the sabotaging gifts I received for Christmas (thanks mom and Stever's turkey joints).  Confession - I remained sugar free until Lilly's baptism where I shared some cake.  It was so good too.  I am sugar free again - as of this morning..... it had nothing to do with the chocolate chip cookie, but I won't swear to it.

Catastrophic Emotional Breakdown ensues.....In preparing for my next nutritional appointment I stepped on the scale - not the cattle kind, the normal kind I hide under my bed.  I was ecstatic to see I lost another 3 pounds.  What was there not to be happy about?  I lost 3 pounds, I am still in the window, and Kathy is going to recommend me for surgery.  I picked up the kids, had dinner, bathed kids, put kids to bed, watched some Netflix, went to sleep.  Here it comes... wait for it... I wake up, get on the scale and I have gained ten pounds.  Within 24 hours I am having a major melt down of epic proportions. I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I lost it emotionally.  I felt at my lowest.  I feel like I wear my sin on the outside of my body and that sin is my weight.  I have never felt so low in my life.  I failed. A life of humiliation and physical pain flashed in front of my eyes and it is not the life I want and will no longer live.  WHO THE HELL GAINS TEN POUNS OVERNIGHT?  This is what my nightmares are made of. I waited two days, but I called Kathy.  Kathy informed me it was water weight and not actual weight gain.  She is worried as it could signify a larger issues.  Really?  Isn't that what I have been saying all along? Nonetheless I will be meeting with Kathy next week where we will come up with a plan to address the issue.  The water weight? I had sushi for dinner with soy sauce.  I am charging the soy sauce with criminal intent.  One would think I drank the bottle of soy....which I did not.  I am no longer going to eat soy sauce as it is the new enemy.

I want this surgery.  I need this surgery.  I will live because of this surgery.  Any fears (or doubts) I may have had about having this surgery are gone.  I am committed to this life change.

Motion FREEDOM Evolution

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Fatty Patty

Gastric Bypass Update #1:
1.  The chairs are twice the width of normal chairs - When I try to rest my elbows I end up falling over into the chair.  I feel like a fool each and every time.
2.  The scale holds up to 1200 pounds......  Not that it needs to.
3.  Nutritional counseling is a must - The first nutritional appointment is in a group setting. Many in the group are very confused about what constitutes a serving... and NO it is not a 14" double meat sub from Wegmans.
4.  Psych evaluation is required - I actually passed.
5.  Eat - For 3 months all bypass candidates must eat the way they will be required to eat post surgery.  This includes, but is not limited to, maintaining a low fat, sugar free, caffeine free, fried food free diet.  This was really easy to do except the sugar.  I had to set a date for myself and keep it.  I have been sugar free for 7 days.  I did purchase some sugar free Russell Stover's candies today.  I ate two and savored every last taste of goodness........And then I hid the box.  Out of sight is out of mind.
6.  Smoking is out.
7.  Alcohol does not need to be completely abandoned.  Thank god.

Where I am in the process:  I have completed everything except two nutritional appointments.  Appointment #2 is this coming week and then #3 is in February.  I could be looking at a surgical date as early as March or April.  As far as the risks go - they are extremely minimal and following the nutritional requirements decreases them even more.  So, that is the big scary process to having a gastric bypass.