Bad habits, Hang Ups, and Discriminations

I used to be terrified of having a daughter.  I did not want to have more children for fear that I would have a daughter and ruin her.  Now that I am the mother of a daughter I  pray everyday I don't ruin her with my bad habits, hang ups, and own discriminations. We are all guilty of trying to reassure people that they will break the negative cycles created by their parents, but so often it never happens.  This is a difficult post for me to write.  It means I am ready to face my own demons, but are others ready to see what I have to say?  Maybe it doesn't matter whether or not they are ready, it is simply just time that they do. 

When I was younger I was not only heavy, but also a competative swimmer.  I loved swimming.  It was something of my own - something I was truly great at.  Now, I know that most swimmers are thin.  Swimmers work out 6 times a week and compete consistently.   I did the same for 14 years of my life.  I broke record after record but for the life of me I could not win the weight battle.  I just couldn't.  Every year I just got bigger and bigger.  Now, I may make it sound like I was huge, and I wasn't, but in the swimming world - I was.  This prompted my parents to cut my calories.  My mom packed my lunch, which was limited.  We ate at 1030 in the morning.  I was deprived of a snack before swimming and we practiced from 300 until 600pm. 

What was a girl to do?  Well, when I got older I walked to the store around the corner everyday for a snack.....So NOT allowed!!!  Every evening my dad knew I walked to the store and I got scolded for it.  My parents were so focused on my breaking the rule of walking to the store that they never dealt with the true issue - This girl was hungry and needed a snack.  They missed teaching me about healthy choices to instead chastise me about going to the store and eating junk. 

Well, I continued to get bigger.  So, my parents decided to find out what was going on once and for all.  I remember they made me go through some physical fitness test where they made me run on a treadmill.  I couldn't do it.  I was a swimmer.  I never ran - I did not have time to run as I was always in the pool.  These people told my parents, who stupidly belived them, that because I could not run long distances I was lethargic, lazy, and out of shape.  Yes, the NYS YMCA Champion swimmer was out of shape. It was now official.  I was an out of shape lazy girl who just needed to work out more and eat less.  Oh boy....

Where the hell were they going to cut calories from and when was I supposed to work out more?  This is when all the real dieting started.  The more my parents obsessed over my weight and supposed lethargy the more I morphed into what they expected.  It has been like that ever since.  The more my weight becomes an issue, the bigger I get.  My weight has never not been a topic of conversation for my family.  Everyone thinks that they have a say and can hold judgement over my weight. 

So many bad habits were created at this time.  I was so hungry and deprived that I began eating with my arm hugged around my plate so no one could take food from me.  I would also stab anyone with a fork if they came near my food.  I began lying about my food intake and eating in private so no one would see me.  I would eat to console myself.

This is the time when I also learned to hate my body and myself.  I learned that no one would ever love me as long as I was fat.  I learned that in order to be in shape one had to know how to run very long distances at very fast speeds.  I learned that fat was ugly.  I learned that fat people don't deserve to be respected.  I learned that fat people are to be judged.  I learned fat people are always lazy. I learned that I was a joke. 

So, I still have my own Bad Habits, Hang Ups, and Discriminations to deal with, but as far as my daughter is concerned, the cycle ends with me.  This is my promise as these are not the habits I want my daughter to develop or the things that I want her to learn.  I want her to respect her whole-self and I will protect her from anyone, including mylsef, from teaching her differently.  She is beautiful and will always be beautiful.  Lillian Elizabeth is the best parts of me.