"I don't love you..."

There are times in life when the ordinary results in something extraordinary.  It could be a moment, a written word, a picture, anything - as long as the anything becomes a something.  For years I read nothing but drab books on academia.  I wrote even more drab papers on the subject. It was not until this blog that I actually decided to begin writing again, only this time for myself.  As far as reading goes, I chose to catch up on all the books that I had missed that should be listed at B&N or Borders under the heading of "No Analysis Required."

Over the past year and a half I have dove into the lives of countless women - one had a sugar addiction and talked to dead people, another was hunted down by a hunk who walked across the country, and another was green and sewed wings onto monkeys.  Where I was easily swept into the lives of these women I was just as easily carried back out and into the next.  I was not riveted or blown away by any of them and made connections with none of them.  These books were ordinary.

Last summer as I was sitting home with my baby girl I was handed a book entitled "The Help."  I looked at it, cute cover, stuck it on a shelf.  I looked at it from time to time and on the shelf it remained.  While on vacation I happened to see a  trailer for the movie based on the book.  Looks good, but still the book sat on my shelf.  I decide Rob Lowe is my next book of choice (not a female author but who can argue).  I forget said book while on an overnight in P-Ville.  "The Help" finds its was off the shelf and in my hands.  Page 1 is ordinary.  Page 2 is ordinary.  Somewhere, however, in the pages of that book I find extraordinary.

I am the wife of a man of color and the mother of two bi-racial children.  I know that until approximately 1968 miscegenation was illegal throughout a large portion of the United States.  My own parents were married in 1968.  I find it hypocritical (for lack of a better term at 1 am) to celebrate how much has changed in our nation when people are still denied basic human rights.  We should all be ashamed and I cannot help but wonder, at that end of this battle, who will be the next group to be denied basic rights....?   

Extraordinary....  I will admit that there are times when it is extremely difficult for me to understand the emotions of the past, as it is not my past, but still it is a past which so pointedly defines my present.  The relationships portrayed amongst all of the women in "The Help" are windows for me.  I do not know if I have ever felt a connection to so many different bonds weaved within a single novel at one time.  The insight was powerful - I cried for them, for the others like them. I cried for the ignorance and the loss. I cried for the fight and the gains.  I cried for my daughter and my son.  I cried for the what-ifs and the could-be stills. 

I cried for me........ 

I understand the relationships I have with the people in my life a little more clearly now.  Babies are born with an innate ability to trust and love.  It is amazing how quickly the world takes that ability away.  My son told me tonight that he did not love me.  He is 4.  I told him it was okay and that I understood that he was really mad and that little boys that don't love their mommies just need extra big hugs.  I hugged my baby tight to me and he spent the better part of the night trying to apologize, not through words or "I'm sorry," but through tight squeezes and cuddles.  When I asked him at the end of the night is he was still upset by what he said he replied, "yes" and with another big squeeze I told him it was okay to forgive.  The first relationships we build in our lives are the easiest.  It is those that come later that are the hardest. 

Extraordinary.  You never know where or when or how - but when you do find it - you will know.   

      

The skinny on the heavy.....

There is something to be said for being overworked and overtired.  I am my own worst enemy when it comes to over committing and taking on too much.  I am a full time mother, full time wife, full time friend, full time daughter, full time niece, full time teacher and coordinator, full time chef, full time house keeper, on-and-on-and-on-and on goes the list of full time responsibilities. 

Ask for help you say?  Ha!  Never.  Actually, I have had to succomb to the fact that I do need help.  Let me share with you how I most recently came to this conclusion....

I have to work Saturdays!  I received an email stating that I would be receiving a small, but well earned stipend for the extra work I have completed through my coordinator's position.  Do not get overly excited, it is not enough to go out to dinner on - but it is something.... All I would have to do is work an additional 3 Saturdays between May and June.  Okay, I can do that, but seriously, 3 Saturdays on top of what I have already done?  I'm a team player, so I look at my calendar and send off emails stating that I will have to leave early one of the days and so on.... NO!!!!  I don't have to work Saturdays.  I have to enter the time I have worked into the computer on those Saturdays.  FAIL. 

Every morning I try to maintain the same routine.  This is hard to do when you do not get much sleep at night... dirty birds- it is from the baby!  My routine: I get up, let the dogs out, shower, do my hair, feed the dogs, get everyone else up and ready to go, and then we are out the door. Yesterday,  I go through my list, everything gets done, and I am ready to walk out of the door when I am stopped and asked, "Why do you have a towel on your head?"  Yup - I never did my hair and simply was walking out the door with my hair wrapped in a towel.  At least I had my clothes on.  FAIL.

I flashed my ass at work.  This was not done on purpose, I can promise you that.  It is also not the first time my ass has been put on accidental display.  When I was a swimmer I forgot my suit for States at the hotel, I borrow one not realizing I was given a drag suit with a hole in the butt- so 1000s of people sitting above a pool deck saw my big round ass framed by a big blue swim suit.  I never thought I would say this - but thank god for that moment.  No one remembers that it happened but me (I hope), but it totally prepared me for what happened to me this morning.  First of all - the laundry never finished drying so I am wearing a pair of Brent's boxer-briefs; and although I cursed this morning it may have been a saving grace!  This is the skinny on the heavy..... I go to the bathroom at work, do my business, and pull up my drawers.  I hit the sink, wash my hands and take a quick look in the mirror.  I adjust the front of my dress and decide I am good to go.  I walk out the door and am immediately hit by a draft.  The back of my dress is tucked into the back of Brent's boxer-briefs.  "Holy shit!" I yell and proceed to pull the back of my dress out of the back of my drawers.  Needless to say, Mr. Meise's door has been shut the rest of the day....a first all year.  Poor man.  FAIL.

So, I can't read an email, forget to do my hair, and flash the school staff.  These are just three examples of how I know I am overworked and overtired.  There are so many other examples - I keep thinking that everyday is Thursday, I overdrafted three checking accounts through one check, I drove to Webster instead of Penfield, I had to ask if I was on a committee that I have been working on for months, I left Noah in the car when we got to daycare.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

There are times when we all need help and we cannot shy away from asking for it.  I am a better mom, wife, teacher, coordinator, friend, daughter, niece, dog walker, poop changer, food maker, baker, and all around better person when I ask for help.  So, if anyone wants to come over and do a load of laundry, cook me a meal, change my bed, or just bring me a glass of wine I welcome you with open arms.  Just be warned - I cannot be responsible for when my ass may make a surprise appearance.