The only truth I know....

The only truth I know is my truth.  Today I lost another one of my school children and I am in pain.  The first time I felt the pain of losing a child I was but a mere child myself.  It was my first taste of anger and complete helplessness...of despair and anguish...of hatred and I was five. 

That feeling of being completely out of control of my world came again in October 2005. Hearing the words, "He's gone..." float through the phone broke me and I fell to my knees and I wept.  Devon was not my biological child, but he was mine nonetheless.  I loved him unconditionally and with all of my heart.  There was nothing I would not do or give for that child.  His mom Shauna, a sister to me, was a single mother and I felt blessed that she let me share in her love for her boys.  We were so close that I felt like they were our boys. 

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Shauna, Randy, Devon, and Donovan.  If I could rewrite my own history I would spin a tale of weeping and healing together as a family.  The truth is, that while I cried some from time to time, I never let myself heal.  After I fell to the floor and wept, I picked myself up, rounded my shoulders back, and found a deep strength from within to not allow myself to fall apart again.  It truly takes strength to hold back that much pain and hurt. 

Not allowing oneself to heal is consequential.  Why did I not allow myself to heal?  I did not feel as though I had a right to my pain.  I believed that if I showed pain then I was robbing Shauna of her time to heal and I needed her to heal.  I desperately needed her to heal.  I needed her to be resilient.  If I poured all that I had into her then I could save her. 

What I needed to do was save myself. 

Consequence #1: I became useless to my friend, my sister.  As Shauna grew stronger I remained stagnant.  I did not know how to ask for help or if I even had the right to ask.

Consequence #2: The strength to surppress emotions runs out and has to be replaced with something.  In this case it was food.  So many people make statements that there is no reason for a person to be as big as they are.  There are always underlying causes.  When my father died I almost ate myself to an early grave.  No, I did not grieve then either and after I lost that weight I swore I would not allow myself to return to that place.  But, here I was once again.  The weight I gained this time was monumental and what finally led to my being diagnosed with liver disease forcing me to deal with the loss of Devon.

This past winter, AME Baber Church hosted a holiday memorial for people who have lost loved ones to violence.  I went and I wept.  Not only is the strength to suppress gone, but so is the reliance on food as a suppressor, or even worse, food as an oppressor.  I have learned to ask for help and to allow myself to rely on others to lift me when I am too weak to carry myself any further. 

There is power in healing.  Tonight I will pray for the family of Sammy Maldonado and ask that they are given the strength to heal in a healthy way.  I will sit back and remember my student for who he was - an intelligent young man with a quick wit and fantastic smile.  He made me laugh and this I will celebrate.